


coals

by failboy



Category: Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, The Academy Is...
Genre: (only at the beginning rly), Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, M/M, Other, Peterick, Ryden, Trans Character, Transphobia, bill is genderqueer, gabe is my fucking man, gabilliam - Freeform, not literally though but pete basically adopts them all, oh also patrick is androgynous yay, pete and patrick are homeless??, peterick children, ryan and gabe are trans, there's scenes with dysphoria descriptions, they all kinda live with pete and patrick in a tent, theyre all just really pure basically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-11 10:07:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7887001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/failboy/pseuds/failboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"you find it hard to miss your family<br/>when every day you're part of one more"<br/>(coals - modern baseball)</p><p>“fuck you. my name is ryan.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. introduction

**Author's Note:**

> since i finished my group chat fic i thought i'd start posting this here! this is a little introduction chapter which gives you some background, it's all in speech but the rest of the chapters will be proper writing (it's all in lowercase cause it's easier for me to write and read, sorry if it bothers you) :^) ALSO!! TW IN THIS FIRST CHAPTER FOR TRANSPHOBIA AND HOMOPHOBIA (one slur too!!! love u guys stay safe) enjoy!!

“dad, it’s been _3 years!_ why don’t you understand?”

“you’re confused, charlotte! you’re still a teenager. one day when you become a real adult you’ll see i was right all along.”

“no, dad, that’s not how it works! i’m never gonna settle down and be a wife! i’m never gonna have my own kids! i’m a man, dad! i always have been and i always will be!”

“now charlotte, sweetie, don’t say that. you’ll find a man one day and he’ll help you realise you’re still the girl you were born as.”

“fuck off, mom! one day i’ll find a man who accepts me for who i am, unlike your excuse of a husband! maybe this man i find will be my boyfriend – cause _i’m gay too_ , did you know that? maybe i’ll get him to fuck my ass every night!”

“don’t be so disgusting, charlotte! how dare you talk like that in front of your parents!”

“ _parents?_ you don’t get to call yourselves that anymore! a real parent would love me for me!”

“we do love you, charlotte, and that’s why we want you to realise that this won’t last. like your father said, you’re just going through that time in your life. once you’re an adult you’ll see you’re wrong.”

“i’m sixteen! i am an adult!”

“no, charlotte, you’re confused.”

_“fuck you. my name is ryan.”_

;;

“mom? i don’t know how you’ll react to this, but i think it’s time to tell you. i’ll be leaving home soon anyway so… i just need to get it off my chest.”

“sure thing, honey. what is it?”

“well, uh, when i move out, i’m not gonna have a wife and kids. i, uh... _i’m gay,_ mom.”

“...you’re not.”

“i am. i like boys.”

“no, you don’t. that is not how we raised you. you’ll have a wife one day, just wait. there’s still plenty of time.”

“no, mom, that’s not how it works. i like _dudes_ , i’m gonna marry a man, if i even get married at all.”

“how dare you declare such a blasphemous proposition? no son of mine was raised a faggot.”

“you don’t have the right to say that word, mom. just… accept it, please.”

“no. i shan’t. pack your things, brendon boyd. i wish never to see you under this roof again until you yield a wife and my grandchildren. “

“fine then. _see you never_.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here's the first full chapter of coals!! thank you for the comments on the intro (sorry i can't reply to all of you) and thanks to those who read the gays and left nice comments on that :') enjoy :DDD (dont smoke)

ryan walked through the cold air, a cigarette resting between his index and middle finger, leaving a thin trail of smoke after him like breadcrumbs in a forest, except ryan was nowhere near as sweet as a house made of candy. the witch occupying it, however, was a more accurate comparison to how this boy was feeling. ready to snap at anything what may confront him and burn them alive, then possibly eat them for dinner. he took another drag, holding the smoke on his tongue for a few seconds, before blowing it out in 3 small rings.

“never got my head round how to do that.”

ryan stopped in his tracks and spun around quickly, cigarette nearly slipping from his fingers. sat against a tree to his left was a short-looking boy, probably his age, with two bags by his feet. the large backpack was bulging full, the zipper across the front only doing up halfway. resting against it was a small plastic bag with what looked like a hoodie stuffed into it, and possibly a pillow too. he seemed unfazed by how startled ryan was, a smile sat comfortably on his face. ryan hesitated, before concluding that he probably wasn’t harmless, and relaxing his posture slightly. “you mean smoke rings?”

“yeah,” the boy nodded. “i managed it once without intending to, but i couldn’t do it again after that.”

“the trick is to keep it in your mouth, not your lungs. then you gotta push it from the back of your throat, kinda like you’re choking.”

“oh, right. yeah, i always just breathed it in all the way. that makes sense though; i was kind of choking the first time i did it.”

“that’s fair,” ryan muttered, not sure where this conversation was headed. he shifted his weight from his left foot to his right. it wasn’t like he could just continue walking and pretend he hadn’t seen this boy. the size of his bags looked like he’d crammed his whole life in it. ryan wondered what was going on.

“do you want some weed?” the boy offered randomly. the hoodie in his plastic back was now on the floor, and ryan watched as he dug around a bit more, before pulling out a small ziplock packet with what was obviously weed in it. ryan looked back at his face where the smile remained, but he swore there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. “you seem stressed.”

ryan hesitated more. who was he to take drugs from a boy he met in a forest not two minutes ago? then again, ryan thought, he could do with lightening up a little. it’s not like things for him could get much worse, and what’s the worst damage fake drugs could do? this boy really didn’t look like the type who would get his hands on synthesised marijuana. at worst, it was oregano.

“sure,” he shrugged, taking one last drag from his cigarette before dropping it in the leaves and treading it out. “that really wasn’t doing much for me.”

“so you are stressed. here, have this one,” the boy said, passing him a joint he’d presumably just rolled for himself. ryan took it from him, placing it between his teeth.

“cheers. you got a light?”

“oh, yeah, it’s kinda dodgy though.” the boy said, taking a lighter out of his pocket and flicking it a few times. “see, no sparks. i’ll light it for you.” he flicked it a few more times, then suddenly it sparked and a flame appeared, slightly larger than what should be coming out of a pocket lighter. the boy leaned in slightly, cupping the joint and lighting it. ryan breathed in immediately, closing his eyes and letting the fumes fill his lungs. he nodded to himself – it’s not fake. when he breathed out, the boy was doing the same.

“do your parents know you smoke this?” ryan gazed up at the sky.

the other boy pulled the joint from his lips and scoffed, smoke coming out of his mouth as he did so. “if they knew, i would have been out here a long time ago.”

“what do you mean?” ryan cocked his head, pulling the joint from his lips and turning to face the boy. the boy faced him back.

“i’ve been kicked out,” he said simply, and ryan made a small ‘ah’ sound in understanding. “for being gay,” the boy continued, “religious family, all that shit. they don’t want anything to do with me anymore.” ryan watched the boy, who was now taking another drag from his joint, the sadness in his eyes more evident. that wasn’t exactly what he was expecting, but he didn’t mind. in fact, it made ryan feel more trust in this boy.

“me too,” he replied eventually, and the boy looked at him curiously. “well, sort of. they didn’t directly say _get out,_ but it felt like it.” he looked away again, but ryan could still feel the boy’s eyes on him.

“what happened?” he asked softly.

“i came out. gay too.” ryan paused, considering whether or not to continue. “and transgender. male, that is.”

“i never would have guessed,” the boy hummed.

“oh. thanks, i guess,” ryan smiled slightly. “i actually came out three years ago, but mom and dad just brushed it off.”

“saying it’s _just a phase_ , right? i’ve heard that one or two times.”

“yeah,” ryan chuckled, glancing back at the boy, his hazel eyes still not moved from his face. kudos to him, ryan thought, turning this turmoil into humour. that’s a good skill to have. the boy’s openness was somewhat comforting to ryan. he felt more comfortable talking about his dilemma to someone who’s been through the same thing.

“my name’s brendon,” he put his hand out, and ryan shook it.

“ryan,” he replied, swallowing the name that would have automatically come out had the situation differed.

“you’re a very handsome boy, ryan,” brendon smiled.

he was lost for words. “t-thank you,” he smiled in return, not able to hold it back. “i’ve never really been told that before.”

“really?” brendon sounded genuinely shocked. “well it’s true. it’s very true. you’re probably the most handsome boy i’ve seen all year.

“it’s only january,” ryan pointed.

“trust me,” brendon chuckled, “i’d probably be saying the same thing if it were december.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes sorry for the slow update!! i'm trying to pace it so i can always stay on top of what i've uploaded in terms of what i have written, but i've been writing other things and neglecting this one a bit,,, sorryyy anyway. enjoy this!! full of development and PLOT

the two stayed there for what seemed like hours, talking and smoking. it was when they noticed that the sun was lower in the sky, shining right in ryan’s eyes, they decided to move.

“where are you going to go?” brendon asked, standing up and wiping his jeans down with his hands.

“i guess i should go back home. they’ll be expecting me back tonight anyway.”

“no way.” brendon said firmly. “no, i won’t let you go back.”

“how come?” ryan queried, a slight edge to his voice.

“not after what you told me. it’s not safe for you there.”

“since when did you get to decide what’s right for me?”

“i know you well enough by now,” he murmured, looking at the ground. “no one should have to go back to that. you deserve so much better - you deserve to be yourself.” ryan groaned quietly, running his fingers through his hair and turning around to face away from him. brendon sighed. “ryan,” he brought his arm forward, slowly lacing his fingers with the others’. ryan twitched, but didn’t pull away. “just… stay with me tonight.”

ryan ran his other hand through his hair again. he turned around to face the boy. “where do we go?”

brendon leant back against the tree, dropping his hand from ryan’s. he tilted his head towards the sky, then closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. ryan just watched.

“pete.”

“what?”

brendon stepped forward, a massive grin suddenly appearing on his face. “pete! pete fucking wentz!” he laughs, turning and standing right in front of ryan. “pete wentz is a dude a met a while ago. he told me he lives in a forest, on the south edge – backs onto a field or something. he lives in a tent, or occasionally he’ll rent a caravan for a bit, if he can scrape up enough money.” brendon paused to catch his breath, his eyes shining. “this… this is the forest! this is the fucking forest, he lives here!”

“on his own?” ryan listened with more intent.

“no, no, uh… with some of his mates, i forget the names. oh! and they’re all gay! or trans, or anything else – they’re all fucking queer, ryan, like us, we’ve got to find them! do you know which way south is?”

it takes ryan a moment to reply. “uh, the sun’s setting over there,” he points, “so that’s west. over there must be east, so uh…” he puts his arms out either side of him, then swings them over his head and points backwards. “that way.”

the grin doesn’t leave brendon’s face. “well then.” he puts his hand out, and ryan takes it hesitantly. “let’s go.”

ryan didn’t have a chance to reply before he was being pulled along by the ball of excitement that was brendon. his head was a rush, only just managing to send the right signals to his legs to get them to move. ryan had essentially run away from home, with no belongings, into the forest, where he met a strange gay boy and shared his weed, and now they’re both running off to find some queer dude who _lives_ in the forest with all his queer friends. it was all happening so fast, and it didn’t seem real to him at all. the cold air brushed against his cheeks and through his hair, blowing his wavy fringe the wrong way. his legs felt restricted in his skin-tight jeans, and his binder was starting to hurt his chest, but ryan found himself not caring. he knew he should, before he hurts himself, but where could he go to take it off? he’ll just wait until they find this _wentz_ dude, get changed behind his tent, maybe.

he shook his head gently, still running. _no,_ he thought, _don’t worry. just go with it._

his grip on brendon’s hand tightened as they ran under a willow tree, ryan’s hair getting caught momentarily in a branch. his family’s attitude to his identity wasn’t his problem. it was theirs. and now he was with brendon. the situation was undoubtedly incredibly dangerous, and ryan would be unnerved if not for the adrenaline. but he felt safe.

“here! ryan, dude, here’s the field!” brendon pointed out to the green land that seemed to go on for miles. he shielded his eyes to look up at the sun, deducing the direction they had gone. “we’re still south. he’ll be somewhere along this edge then.” brendon looked right, then left, and ryan followed suit, even though he wasn’t entirely certain what he was looking for.

“is that him?” ryan pointed left. there was a small figure moving around, fussing with what was either a flattened tent or a blanket. behind him was a small trailer caravan. brendon squinted. when ryan turned back, the boy was grinning, and ryan did too.

“yep, that’s pete,” he confirmed with a nod. ryan felt a sense of accomplishment. “come on, then.” they set off along the edge of the forest, slower than before. ryan looked up to the sky, the clouds now turning pink in the evening sun, the sky going orange. brendon started shouting to get the stranger’s attention. well, stranger to ryan, at least.

it was all still a bit surreal to him.

“ _holy shit!”_ a voice yelled from straight ahead. ryan looked up to see the same figure as before, looking up from what was now clear to be a tent. a second after the exclamation, another person appeared from inside the caravan, looked around, then went back in. “brendon _fucking_ urie!”

brendon kept walking with his arms open, and the person ran forward, meeting him in a hug. ryan can’t quite hear what they’re saying, but it sounds like a lot of _how are you?_ and _shit man, it’s been ages._ when they pull apart, ryan was faced with an outstretched hand.

“pete wentz,” he says. “nice to meet you.”

ryan goes forward to shake his hand, but is pulled in for a hug instead. pete pats his back in a friendly manner that usually wouldn’t hurt, but hell, ryan really needs to take his binder off.

“ryan ross,” he returns once he’s able to step back. he could get used to being introduced with that name.

“what brings you handsome fellows here then?” pete asks. ryan can’t help but feel warm at such a casual recognition of his masculinity.

“well,” brendon takes a deep breath, like he’s about to break out in a long rambling story, or perhaps an opera. “i got kicked out. so did ryan, pretty much. bumped into each other in the forest – just by chance. quite funny really.” ryan didn’t think it was that funny, but he found brendon’s light-heartedness comforting.

“sucks,” pete sympathises, turning to ryan. “go on then, what are ya?”

“…sorry?”

“well, i’m guessing you got kicked out after coming out, seeing as that’s obviously what happened to brendon, and otherwise you two probably wouldn’t have got along well enough to let him bring you to a homeless bisexual man’s residency in a forest. so what happened?” pete was still grinning. ryan wasn’t sure how everyone could be so smiley in this situation.

“uh, well, i uh… i came out as trans three years ago. and gay today.”

“cool beans,” pete said simply. ryan couldn’t quite decide whether he liked this guy or not. his chest was also killing him.

“i don’t mean to intrude, but do you have a toilet i can use?”

“yeah man, sure, just in there,” pete gestures to the caravan. “patrick’s inside, they’ll show you the door.”

_they._

“thanks.”

the caravan doesn’t have steps, so ryan uses the remainder of his strength to lift himself up into the doorway. he is faced with two doors directly in front of him; one must be the bathroom, and the other is probably a bedroom. to his left is a kitchen area, with worktops either side of a narrow floor space, which then leads into the main living area. there’s a big beige corner sofa stretching from the end of a kitchen cupboard to a storage unit with a television on top. it doesn’t look like the storage space has been used. ryan decides this is a rented caravan, like brendon mentioned.

“you okay?”

a short figure emerges from one of the doors. ryan looks back to them, and instantly notices how subtly androgynous they look. their eyes are a kind shade of blue, a blonde fringe falling slightly over them. the rest of their hair is hidden under a surprisingly stylish black fedora. this must be patrick. and the other door is the bathroom.

“yeah, are you patrick?” ryan asked.

“that’s me,” patrick smiled. “i heard pete shouting – you must be brendon urie?”

“no, he’s still out there. i’m ryan ross.” he opened his mouth again to explain why they’re here, then stopped when he realised he didn’t entirely know.

“nice to meet you,” patrick stepped to the side, “this room is the bedroom,” they gestured to the one they came out of, and then the other door. “and that one’s the bathroom.”

“thank you,” ryan went to the bathroom door.

“ryan?” patrick called, stopping him in the doorway. “just know that you’re welcome here for as long as you need. i have a feeling you’ll fit right in.” patrick smiled again, more soft and kind than before, then jumped down from the caravan to meet brendon. ryan shut the bathroom door behind him, his thoughts too occupied by his aching chest to think much of what patrick said. he quickly pulled his shirt and hoodie over his head in one, not hesitating any longer to pull his binder off afterwards. he dropped it on the floor, taking a moment to even out his breathing. when he turned around to pick it up again, he was faced by a small mirror above the sink. ryan paused to take in his appearance. from the shoulders up, he liked how he looked. his hair was curly in its natural state, falling just above his jawline. his fringe was pushed back, lost somewhere in the locks framing his face. when he had the energy, ryan would sometimes straighten his hair, and then his fringe would become more evident, falling over one eye. ryan liked his hair.

his face had a fairly masculine structure, he supposed. his jawline was flat and his cheekbones were sharp. the muscles in his neck flexed prominently, and collarbones jutted out when he rolled his shoulders back. for ryan, that was where the confidence ended. his eyes fell past his collarbones, taking in his chest, and he stared for longer than he would have liked. he knew he couldn’t put his binder back on, no matter how much he wanted to. suddenly he wished he’d brought a looser shirt.

he turned his back to the mirror before any more bad thoughts wormed their way into his head. his mind was fragile, and dysphoria was a constant tapping, breaking chips out of him, waiting to crack. since the last time he looked in a mirror, fully naked after a shower when the only towel left in the bathroom was a tiny hand towel, he tried to avoid them. as much as he had wanted to look away, he couldn’t, and his mum was shouting, _charlotte, get out of the bathroom, you’ve been ages,_ and he broke down. he fell to his knees and cried. he knew he was valid. he knew he was a boy. but sometimes, he just couldn’t convince himself.

“ryan?”

ryan looked over his shoulder with a start. “one moment!” he reached down to pick up his hoodie, pulling his shirt out of it from when he’d pulled them both off together. he tugged it over his head without anything underneath, turning back around and opening the door.

“you okay?” brendon asked quietly, eyes briefly scanning over ryan’s face. ryan avoided looking brendon in the eyes, face heating up slightly from the unexpectancy. behind the boy, ryan saw pete kneeling on the ground, hammering thick plastic nails into the grass. patrick was balancing a tent pole on the ground, which was wobbling threateningly above their head.

“yeah,” ryan breathed, a small smile slowly finding its way onto his face as he looked back at brendon. maybe he really was safe here. he felt it. “yeah, i’m okay.”

“good. pete and patrick are pitching their tent for tomorrow - the caravan has to be returned by noon. i think pete’s gonna go into town and get a pizza or something, do you have any preferences?”

“uh, not pepperoni,” ryan shrugged. “anything else is cool”

“cool,” brendon echoed. then he spun around and went to sit in the doorway to the caravan, dangling his legs out into the air. “ryan doesn’t like pepperoni,” he called out.

“your loss, man,” pete called back, meeting eyes with ryan and grinning widely. for the first time, ryan grinned back, a fully fledged grin from his lips to his eyes.

maybe he really was safe here.


End file.
